He won’t. He just won’t.
And here’s why:
Brendan Rodgers is nervously pacing in his office dictating instructions to a flustered Ian Ayre who is struggling to write everything down.
BR: “Okay now onto ’ins’. Since we’ve got Rickie and Emre already in, it seems to me that we only have 3 more players to get. I think we need a player to play between the lines, someone to rotate with Coutinho. So try and bring Lallana in. If you can’t get him for under £25 million then get Shaqiri. If you can’t even get him for a reasonable price, get Rakitic. Clear? Good. Next I want a fullback, see if you can get Moreno in for under £20 million. If not, get Rodriguez, or Clyne. You choose. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get Bertrand. Okay? Good. So finally I want a replacement for Skrtel-“
IA: “Skrtel, boss?”
BR: “Yes Skrtel. That’s what I said.”
IA: “But er… why boss?”
BR: “WHY? Have you seen our defensive record this season, Ian?! It’s appalling! We let in 49 goals! 49!! You CANNOT expect to let in 49 GOALS and still win the league! It’s impossible! Completely out of the question! It’s not like if Sterling’s completely legitimate goal at the Etihad wasn’t wrongly ruled offside then we would’ve been champions! No! It’s not like if we’d have just score 1 MORE goal that night then we would’ve won the league despite letting in 49 GOALS! Absolutely ridiculous notion that! Everyone knows you can’t win the league with a leaky defence!”
IA: “Yes I know, I know boss. But why do we need a replacement for Skrtel? I thought he was our best defender last season.”
BR: “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND IAN?? Skrtel was a complete liability! Did you see how many own goals he scored last season?? 4!!! HE SCORED 4 OWN GOALS IAN! It’s not as if he was trying best to block the ball on all 4 occasions and couldn’t have done much to stop them and was generally unlucky on being there at the wrong time and it’s not as if Jamie Carragher was famed for exactly the same thing yet is still thought of as a Liverpool legend and it’s not as if he made the most blocks and clearances of any defender in the Premier League last season and saved us on countless occasions with world class tackles and goal-line clearances and it’s not as if Skrtel scored 7 vital goals which is more than any defender in the Premier League last season and it’s not as if I had total faith in him by starting him for 39 matches last season and even was thought of by many as the best CB in the country and it’s not as if we don’t blame him for the main reason we concede goals when it’s never his fault and it’s not as if Skrtel had to play alongside Kolo Toure, Glen Johnson, Aly Cissokho and an inexperienced Jon Flanagan for most of the season who WERE the main causes for the amount of goals we let in! NO! SKRTEL WAS UTTER CRAP AND WE NEED TO REPLACE HIM!”
IA: “With who, boss?”
BR: “What?”
IA: “Who should I replace Skrtel with, boss?”
*Pause*
BR: “I DON’T KNOW IAN?! Do I always have to be the one coming up with ideas?? What do I even pay you for!?”
IA: “Er well erm… what about Caulker boss?”
BR: “Fantastic idea Ian! Let’s sign a CB who played for a team that finished bottom of the table who let in 74 goals last season and as everyone knows, all 74 of those goals were Caulker’s fault! Just like all 49 goals were Skrtel’s fault!”
IA: “And he was their captain boss! Good leadership qualities!”
BR: “Exactly Ian! A leader who led them to 20th place in the table and it’s not as if we’ve got a CB who was captain of the current champions of Ligue 1 at the age of 17 and has captained all youth levels of France’s national team or anything! Well done Ian! You’ve redeemed yourself!”
IA: “Thanks boss! But.. er… what if I can’t get him?”
*Pause*
BR: “I dunno? Erm… Oh I know! Why don’t you get Lovren? World class player him! Completely the type of player we need to challenge for the league! Definitely not below the standard we’re after! I’m really glad we’re getting a new CB in! We haven’t bought one of them for ages! Plus we are running thin on CB’s… Let’s see here… We’ve only got: Skrtel, Sakho, Agger, Toure, Ilori, Coates, Kelly and Wisdom! Only 8! That’s why we need another one! And Lovren or Caulker are definitely upgrades on our current CB pairing of Skrtel and Sakho! There’s no way anyone can make the argument that our CB’s are better! And even if it turns out that Lovren or Caulker AREN’T better than Skrtel or Sakho (which is a completely ridiculous thought! Skrtel and Sakho better than Lovren and Caulker? HA! Who would EVER think that!) then they can just be squad players in front of Agger who is definitely not our vice-captain and an experienced, professional and quality player! It’s not as if that would be a monumental waste of money and just like I’ve been saying it ALL season: We need to buy BACK-UP players for our SQUAD! Because buying for the first team is absolutely nonsense!”
IA: “I completely agree! Is that all you wanted boss?”
*Pause. Rodgers stops pacing and turns to look at Ian*
BR: “You weren’t actually taking me seriously were you?”
*Pause. Ian looks up from his notepad.*
BR: “For god’s sake Ian.”
BR: “Okay now onto ’ins’. Since we’ve got Rickie and Emre already in, it seems to me that we only have 3 more players to get. I think we need a player to play between the lines, someone to rotate with Coutinho. So try and bring Lallana in. If you can’t get him for under £25 million then get Shaqiri. If you can’t even get him for a reasonable price, get Rakitic. Clear? Good. Next I want a fullback, see if you can get Moreno in for under £20 million. If not, get Rodriguez, or Clyne. You choose. But under NO CIRCUMSTANCES get Bertrand. Okay? Good. So finally I want a replacement for Skrtel-“
IA: “Skrtel, boss?”
BR: “Yes Skrtel. That’s what I said.”
IA: “But er… why boss?”
BR: “WHY? Have you seen our defensive record this season, Ian?! It’s appalling! We let in 49 goals! 49!! You CANNOT expect to let in 49 GOALS and still win the league! It’s impossible! Completely out of the question! It’s not like if Sterling’s completely legitimate goal at the Etihad wasn’t wrongly ruled offside then we would’ve been champions! No! It’s not like if we’d have just score 1 MORE goal that night then we would’ve won the league despite letting in 49 GOALS! Absolutely ridiculous notion that! Everyone knows you can’t win the league with a leaky defence!”
IA: “Yes I know, I know boss. But why do we need a replacement for Skrtel? I thought he was our best defender last season.”
BR: “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND IAN?? Skrtel was a complete liability! Did you see how many own goals he scored last season?? 4!!! HE SCORED 4 OWN GOALS IAN! It’s not as if he was trying best to block the ball on all 4 occasions and couldn’t have done much to stop them and was generally unlucky on being there at the wrong time and it’s not as if Jamie Carragher was famed for exactly the same thing yet is still thought of as a Liverpool legend and it’s not as if he made the most blocks and clearances of any defender in the Premier League last season and saved us on countless occasions with world class tackles and goal-line clearances and it’s not as if Skrtel scored 7 vital goals which is more than any defender in the Premier League last season and it’s not as if I had total faith in him by starting him for 39 matches last season and even was thought of by many as the best CB in the country and it’s not as if we don’t blame him for the main reason we concede goals when it’s never his fault and it’s not as if Skrtel had to play alongside Kolo Toure, Glen Johnson, Aly Cissokho and an inexperienced Jon Flanagan for most of the season who WERE the main causes for the amount of goals we let in! NO! SKRTEL WAS UTTER CRAP AND WE NEED TO REPLACE HIM!”
IA: “With who, boss?”
BR: “What?”
IA: “Who should I replace Skrtel with, boss?”
*Pause*
BR: “I DON’T KNOW IAN?! Do I always have to be the one coming up with ideas?? What do I even pay you for!?”
IA: “Er well erm… what about Caulker boss?”
BR: “Fantastic idea Ian! Let’s sign a CB who played for a team that finished bottom of the table who let in 74 goals last season and as everyone knows, all 74 of those goals were Caulker’s fault! Just like all 49 goals were Skrtel’s fault!”
IA: “And he was their captain boss! Good leadership qualities!”
BR: “Exactly Ian! A leader who led them to 20th place in the table and it’s not as if we’ve got a CB who was captain of the current champions of Ligue 1 at the age of 17 and has captained all youth levels of France’s national team or anything! Well done Ian! You’ve redeemed yourself!”
IA: “Thanks boss! But.. er… what if I can’t get him?”
*Pause*
BR: “I dunno? Erm… Oh I know! Why don’t you get Lovren? World class player him! Completely the type of player we need to challenge for the league! Definitely not below the standard we’re after! I’m really glad we’re getting a new CB in! We haven’t bought one of them for ages! Plus we are running thin on CB’s… Let’s see here… We’ve only got: Skrtel, Sakho, Agger, Toure, Ilori, Coates, Kelly and Wisdom! Only 8! That’s why we need another one! And Lovren or Caulker are definitely upgrades on our current CB pairing of Skrtel and Sakho! There’s no way anyone can make the argument that our CB’s are better! And even if it turns out that Lovren or Caulker AREN’T better than Skrtel or Sakho (which is a completely ridiculous thought! Skrtel and Sakho better than Lovren and Caulker? HA! Who would EVER think that!) then they can just be squad players in front of Agger who is definitely not our vice-captain and an experienced, professional and quality player! It’s not as if that would be a monumental waste of money and just like I’ve been saying it ALL season: We need to buy BACK-UP players for our SQUAD! Because buying for the first team is absolutely nonsense!”
IA: “I completely agree! Is that all you wanted boss?”
*Pause. Rodgers stops pacing and turns to look at Ian*
BR: “You weren’t actually taking me seriously were you?”
*Pause. Ian looks up from his notepad.*
BR: “For god’s sake Ian.”